I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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