I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.

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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.

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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.

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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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