I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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