I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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