I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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