I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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