I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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