I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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