I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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