I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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