"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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