I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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