I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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