I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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