I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!

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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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