I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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