I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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