I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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