I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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