I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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