I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

Roosters don't lay eggs!
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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