I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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