I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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