I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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