I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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