I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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