I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.

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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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