I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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