I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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