I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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