I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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