I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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