I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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