I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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