I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!

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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.

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