I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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