I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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