I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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