I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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