I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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