I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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