I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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