I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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