I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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