I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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