I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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