I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?

Shocked.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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