If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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