If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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