If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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