If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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