I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.

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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!

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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.

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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

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