I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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