I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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