I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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