I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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