I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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