I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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