I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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