I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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