I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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