I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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