I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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