I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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