I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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