I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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