I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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