I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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