I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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