I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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