I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What is a frog's favorite year?

Leap Year
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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