I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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