I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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