I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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