I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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