I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky

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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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