I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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