I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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