I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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