I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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