I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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