I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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