I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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