I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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