I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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