I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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