I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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