I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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