I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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