I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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