I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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