I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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