I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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