I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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