I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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