Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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