Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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