Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny!!!
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