Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck

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