Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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