Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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