Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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