Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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