Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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