Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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