Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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