Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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