Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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