Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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