Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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