Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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