Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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