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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns
they always take things literally.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?
He doesn't have a heart.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?
They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
Because it's in the ground state.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.
That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?
A tyrannosauraus wreck
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