Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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