Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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