Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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