Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

Stinker Bell.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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