"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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