"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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