"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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