"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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