"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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