"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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