"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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