"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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