"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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