My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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I just watched a debate as to which cartoons were better- Disney or Warner Bros.

I have to say it got very animated.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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