My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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