My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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