My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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