My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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