My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom

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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.

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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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