My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!

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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.

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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

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