My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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