"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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