"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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