"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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