"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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