"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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