Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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