Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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