Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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