Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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