Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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