Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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