Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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