Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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