Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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