Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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