Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.

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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split

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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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