Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."

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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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