Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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A seal walks into a club...



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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess

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