Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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