Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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