Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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