Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Dorian Gray Jokes,

they never get old!
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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