Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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