Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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