Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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