Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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