Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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