Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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