Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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