Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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