Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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