Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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