Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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