Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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