Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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