Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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