Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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