Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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