Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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