Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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