Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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