Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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