So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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