So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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