So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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