So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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