So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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