So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.

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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.

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