So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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