So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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