So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?

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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats

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