So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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