So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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