So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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