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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
it was Wedgie Kray.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?
Half a worm.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.
Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
Is that you mommy?
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?
Silent night!
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Which is the most religious cheese?
Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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