So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What music does cheese listen to?

R & Brie.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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