So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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