So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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