So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.

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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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