So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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