So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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