The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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