The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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