The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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