The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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