The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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