The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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