The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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