The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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