The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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