The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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