The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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