The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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