There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.

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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!

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