There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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