There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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