There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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