There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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