There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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