There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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