There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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