There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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