There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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