There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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