There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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A seal walks into a club...
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