There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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