There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What is a baby's motto?

If at first you don't succeed, cry and cry again!
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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