There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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