There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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