There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.

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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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