There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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