There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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