They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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