They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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