They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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