They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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