They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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