They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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