They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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