Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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