Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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