Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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