Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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