Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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