Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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