Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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