Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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