Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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