Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?

Bugs Bunny.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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