Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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