What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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