What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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